<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Wetter than a Hamster in a Water Wheel by Tadpole4176</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29045829">Wetter than a Hamster in a Water Wheel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176'>Tadpole4176</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Top Gear (UK) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Gen, Kidfic, Silly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:08:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29045829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?</p><p>Finally, they manage to come up with a challenge that Richard can join in with properly - even if it is a scaled down version of something they've already tried. Naturally, everyone is just a little bit rubbish.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re going to have to do it.” James stood behind Richard, nudging his scantily clad form forwards.</p><p>“This is worse than school!” protested Richard. “I…” he paused. “James, I just can’t.”</p><p>“But you can’t swim either,” pointed out James. “And we’re going boating on a lake.”</p><p>“I could throw him in,” offered Jeremy, appearing to Richard’s side and grabbing the boy’s upper arm.</p><p>“No!” squeaked Richard, back pedalling as much as he could. “Please don’t, Jez!” He looked up at his friend, desperate.</p><p>James snorted, gently placing a hand on Richard’s shoulder and giving Jeremy a look. “You’re not helping, Jez,” he told his older friend.</p><p>“Hamster,” said Jeremy, somewhat carefully. “If you don’t learn to swim you’ll have to wear armbands on camera.”</p><p>Richard flinched, glancing at the pool, and then back at his two friends. “Can’t you teach me? I sort of know what to do, it’s just my arms and legs that don’t remember.”</p><p>Jeremy and James exchanged a glance, then James sighed. “Yeah, we can do it.”</p><p>The two men waved the concerned swimming teacher off, letting him get on with his lesson.</p><p>“Come on then,” said James, adjusting his swimming shorts and nudging Richard in the right direction, half expecting the boy to run for it as soon as he’d had got in the water.</p><p>“Do you want to borrow any armbands?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>Richard shook his head vigorously as James sat down and cautiously slid into the water, gasping as the cold water hit his stomach.</p><p>“Come on,” repeated James. “Before the oaf fetches you any buoyancy aids.”</p><p>Richard slid to the ground, echoing James’s previous movements but significantly more reluctant to actually take the plunge into the water. Behind him, Jeremy, resisting the urge to push him in, instead jumped in quickly, and standing in front of the boy grabbed both his arms and pulled him in along with him.</p><p>“Show us what you’ve got, Hamster,” insisted Jeremy, ignoring the gasps and splutters coming from Richard.</p><p>James hauled the boy up, holding him upright while he calmed down. “Right, you come with me, then you can swim back to Jez and demonstrate your prowess.”</p><p>“I don’t think there’ll be much prowess involved,” spluttered Richard.</p><p>“I promise I’ll rescue you if you sink,” offered Jeremy.</p><p>Richard looked up at him suspiciously, but didn’t comment, allowing James to drag him through the water to the point where he was barely within his depth.</p><p>“Ready?” asked James, taking hold of Richard’s mid-section and holding him on his front.</p><p>“Definitely not,” replied Richard, apparently attempting to reverse away from the water.</p><p>“Just show us, Hamster,” coaxed James. “You can’t do this trip with us if you can’t swim at all, and you know it’s a great idea.”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“A great idea that works for all three of us,” added James.</p><p>“Fine,” sighed Richard. “Can you give me a push?”</p><p>James nodded, almost throwing Richard towards Jeremy in an effort to give him a good start.</p><p>Richard, for his part, thrashed vigorously at the water, mostly seeming to be working to keep his head above water, rather than move himself towards Jeremy. His efforts were slowly failing, and moments later as his head sank beneath the surface of the water and his movements became even more frantic, Jeremy waded over, grabbing hold of one of Richard’s arms and hauling him upright again.</p><p>“You can stand up here, Hamster,” pointed out Jeremy. “As astonishing as that may be.”</p><p>“Oh yeah,” muttered Richard, holding firmly to Jeremy’s arm nonetheless. “I forgot.”</p><p>“You panicked,” put in James.</p><p>“I… well, a bit,” admitted Richard.</p><p>“How’s that going to go out on a lake?”</p><p>“Armbands,” said Jeremy, gravely, apparently producing a pair from his swimming shorts’ pocket and starting to blow the first one up.</p><p>“Really?” said Richard, his eyebrows raising as he looked at the offending items in dismay.</p><p>“It’s that or drowning,” offered Jeremy, holding out an inflated armband for Richard to insert his arm.</p><p>“Fine.” The boy held his arm out and allowed Jeremy to slide the armband onto it, waiting a moment and then repeating the procedure with the other arm.</p><p>“Right then,” grinned Jeremy. “Now it’s time to find out if you can move through the water with armbands on.”</p><p>“Surely,” said James, laughing. “He can’t be that useless at swimming!”</p><p>Jeremy shrugged. “We’ll have to see.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeremy strode across the studio, turning to face the audience, beaming all over his face.</p><p>“This week,” he announced. “We’ve achieved a first on Top Gear.”</p><p>The audience laughed.</p><p>“No, really, we have. We’ve revisited the same idea a third time!”</p><p>“Yes, we have.” James strolled in beside him. “I’m sure you remember, years back, we worked on some amphibious cars.”</p><p>“The old people remember anyway,” put in Richard, grinning up at them. “It was a while ago.”</p><p>“We crossed the channel on my vehicle,” Jeremy reminded them. “I told the producers that I really couldn’t do any better than that.”</p><p>“But they insisted,” said James, “that they had a new twist on the idea.”</p><p>“So they gave each of us £2000, and told us to go and buy a boat,” grinned Richard.</p><p>“It’s possible they didn’t trust him with quite that much money,” added James.</p><p>Richard glared, then continued. “And told us to make the boat driveable on land, without spoiling its seaworthiness.”</p><p>“Not that we went anywhere near the sea,” added James.</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“I, as you might expect,” said James, sitting on a small sailing dinghy on a slipway, “have done this properly. I’ve got a small, ancient sailing boat.” He patted the boat gently. “I’ve made a couple of holes in the hull to accommodate four wheels from a mobility scooter, along with its electric motor and batteries. This whole thing, even with the battery, barely weighs more than a mobility scooter. It’s going to be great.” Triumphantly, he lifted himself onto the front of the boat, revealing Jeremy standing a little further down the slipway.</p><p>“Ridiculous,” grinned Jeremy. “I, on the other hand, have taken a motor boat.”</p><p>“It’s not very big,” put in James.</p><p>“We didn’t have a lot of money,” protested Jeremy. “It’s a motor boat, it’s faster than yours!”</p><p>“If it works at all,” added James.</p><p>Jeremy glared at him. “I have taken a motor boat, and fitted it with massive, thin wheels to the side, so my hull has remained intact.”</p><p>“But your hydrodynamics will be terrible,” observed James.</p><p>“They’re wafer thin, the water will speed around them!”</p><p>“It won’t.” Richard’s voice chimed in, emerging from somewhere behind the two men. “It just won’t.”</p><p>James sniggered as Jeremy spun round. “You!”</p><p>“Me?” Richard looked innocent. “What have I done?”</p><p>“That’s a good question,” replied Jeremy quickly. “What have you done?”</p><p>“I have,” grinned Richard. “A kayak.”</p><p>He stepped back, leading the others right to the edge of the water to a small, yellow kayak with an unusual lump at the front and a tube stuck to the rear.</p><p>“That’s...” Jeremy was momentarily speechless.</p><p>“Where are your wheels?” asked James.</p><p>Richard reached inside the rear of the kayak, revealing four small wheels.</p><p>“They won’t reach the ground,” pointed out James. “Not if you attach them there.”</p><p>“The tyres are inflatable,” grinned Richard, revealing a small pump.</p><p>A man in a lab coat handed James a golden envelope.</p><p>“You will,” he waited to check the others were paying attention, “cross this lake in your boats, then on reaching the other side, take the country roads home, proving whether your amphibious vehicles are in fact of any use at all to the average commuter.”</p><p>“Surely we should commute from the office? If we’re testing on behalf of commuters,” protested Richard.</p><p>“There’s no lake at the office,” pointed out James. “We’re going to have to be hypothetical commuters.”</p><p>“There is a school,” laughed Jeremy. “This could be Hamster’s commute.”</p><p>“It’s a primary school.”</p><p>“You’d fit in.”</p><p>“And I refuse to go to school, even hypothetically.”</p><p>James leaned over, whispering in Richard’s ear.</p><p>Richard swallowed. “On the other hand, this is a very nice, not too large body of water and I will gladly test whether it’s sensible to commute by amphibious vehicle on behalf of these school children. Possibly just in case Jezza decides to take up teaching.”</p><p>James snorted.</p><p>“Just in case he gets fired.”</p><p>“I’ll be on my best behaviour,” promised Jeremy. “See, I’ll help Hamster get into his vehicle first, and do a safety check.”</p><p>“Safety check?” Richard looked up at his friend doubtfully. “Isn’t that James’s department?”</p><p>“Armbands!” beamed Jeremy.</p><p>“Nooooo!” Richard leapt out of Jeremy’s way, evading him and James as he scrambled off the slipway and onto the grass.</p><p>“You’re going to have to come back here if you want to paddle this,” pointed out Jeremy. “I don’t need to do anything.”</p><p>“Including force me to wear armbands,” observed Richard. “I have a lifejacket.”</p><p>“You need armbands too,” insisted Jeremy. “You’re a terrible swimmer.”</p><p>“I don’t!” laughed Richard. “Only someone enormous and heavy like you would need both.”</p><p>He darted between the two men, making a grab for his kayak, but Jeremy’s reach was too long, and quickly he found himself dangling in the air above his kayak, as Jeremy wrapped one long arm round his waist and used the other one to shove the armband on – with James definitely helping surreptitiously.</p><p>With the armbands both on, Jeremy deposited Richard back on the ground, laughing at the look of thunder on his face.</p><p>“It had to be done,” shrugged Jeremy, all innocence. “You want a hand launching, Hamster?”</p><p>“Yeah,” grumbled Richard, stepping into his kayak.</p><p>The launch went well, the kayak bobbing about happily on the water, and Richard paddling away from the side without any problems.</p><p>“How can you paddle a kayak when you can’t swim?” asked James, incredulously.</p><p>Richard laughed, grinning back at his friends. “I’m floating. Are you coming?”</p><p>James shrugged. “As soon as the oaf gets out of the way.”</p><p>“Floating is nothing!” put in Jeremy. “All you have to do is not break something that’s already a boat.”</p><p>“Go on then.”</p><p>Jeremy pushed his boat into the water, jumping in at the last minute and making it wobble alarmingly. “And I have power,” he added, pulling the starter for the motor.</p><p>James, not to be outdone, easily wheeled his boat down the slipway and into the water, quickly taking his place at the back of the boat, then ducking as the sail swung over, almost clipping him on the head. “Ready?” he asked.</p><p>“How far have we got to go?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>“Two hundred metres of impassable lake next to a beautiful and easily walkable footpath,” laughed James. “Fancy a race?”</p><p>“That’s ridiculous,” said Jeremy. “What will you give me when I win?”</p><p>“I’ll cook dinner,” offered James.</p><p>Jeremy glanced at Richard.</p><p>“Oh yes,” nodded James. “If you lose, he cooks.”</p><p>Jeremy’s eyes widened. “That seems a bit drastic.”</p><p>“OK, loser cooks,” agreed James.</p><p>“Am I not part of this race then?” asked Richard, paddling up to the side of Jeremy’s boat before carefully putting his paddling down and removing an armband, hurling it at Jeremy’s head.</p><p>“You? Hey! You’re supposed to wear those!”</p><p>“Make me,” laughed Richard, digging a paddle into the water and setting off, much more quickly than Jeremy had expected.</p><p>Jeremy revved the engine dramatically, producing a significant wash behind him, but moving the boat forwards at a snail’s pace as James cracked up alongside him. “I hope you’ve got some good ideas for what we can eat later,” he choked out, before finally properly unfurling his sail and actually catching some wind.</p><p>“Wait! You can’t overtake me! You don’t even have an engine!”</p><p>“Hydrodynamics,” laughed James, accelerating away after Richard.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The finish was close. James was still, gradually, gaining on Richard, but it wasn’t a long race. However, 200m in a kayak is a fair distance unless you do it regularly, and Richard’s arms were really starting to tire. As Richard grinded the front of the kayak into the slipway, James pulled up just a nose behind, dodging the swinging sail one last time before hopping out of the boat and tugging at the front of the kayak, making sure it was fully on land before pulling Richard out.</p><p>“You got me,” grinned James, completely unconcerned.</p><p>“Yeah,” beamed Richard back. “But I’m too tired to even do the loser sign,” he panted, leaning against James and barely even moving his arms.</p><p>“No problem,” laughed James, gesturing to a bench at the side of the water. “I think we’ve got a substantial wait.”</p><p>Sure enough, Jeremy was well behind him, probably only halfway across, his motor boat bobbing about strangely in the water, the burbling of the engine standing out in the quiet lake.</p><p>“He is ridiculous,” grinned Richard, leaning back against the bench, and James, in exhaustion.</p><p>James lifted his arm to place it round Richard’s shoulders. “Well done,” he said.</p><p>Richard’s eyebrows lifted. “That’s not like you,” he murmured.</p><p>“I didn’t want you to cook,” replied James, simply.</p><p>Jeremy, finally, arrived in a sea of smoke, complaint and noise, his motor sounding a lot like it’d travelled the channel rather than a small lake, though his complaints were almost loud enough to drown it out.</p><p>“It was no good then,” said James, once Jeremy had finished swearing and ranting. “Have you worked out what you’re making later?”</p><p>“I’m going to find something you won’t eat,” retorted Jeremy crossly. </p><p>“As if,” laughed James. “All you’d succeed in doing would be having to make something else for Hamster.”</p><p>Jeremy glared, but moved things on. “None of us sank! That’s never happened before. Time to drive home then?” He aimed for nonchalance.</p><p>“After you,” agreed James, pushing Richard up off his shoulder and pointing him back at his car. “Should we meet you back there, Hamster?”</p><p>“I might be a minute putting the wheels on,” the boy admitted, reaching into the back of the kayaking with a groan and starting to pump up the first tyre.</p><p>James nudged him aside. “Move out of the way,” he said gently. “You can hardly move your arms, and I’d quite like to get home today – Jez is cooking.”</p><p>Richard grinned, whispering, “Thanks, mate,” gratefully as Jeremy sidled over to watch.</p><p>“You OK?” he asked. “It’s not like James to offer to pump tyres up for you. Is there something I missed?”</p><p>“I won!” protested Richard, leaning against Jeremy despite himself and throwing an arm round his waist. “But it turns out that paddling an unusual kayak is quite hard work.”</p><p>“Noodles,” laughed Jeremy, giving his shoulders a squeeze, whilst shaking Richard’s skinny arm with the other hand.</p><p>“Yeah, could be,” grinned Richard.</p><p>Ten minutes later, all three of them were ready to go. James sat on the back of his sail boat, the mast down and the joystick controlling his little electric motors ready in his hand. Jeremy, his large wheels powered by a motorbike engine mounted next to his outboard, started his motor up, and Richard sat in the little kayak, his wheels fully inflated.</p><p>“Obviously, if I get home first I’ll be able to start the dinner sooner,” announced Jeremy, setting off first.</p><p>“Assuming nothing falls off the contraption,” offered Richard, putting his feet on the pedals and setting off after Jeremy.</p><p>“Quite,” agreed James.</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Richard was quite pleased with the progress of his little kayak pedal car. It was a bit wobbly, but perfectly steerable, and whilst his progress was much slower than that of the others, he was quite enjoying himself. Finally, he could join in one of their adventures properly – even if it was only a little one. He was chatting to himself happily about the performance, only half for the cameras, when he rounded a corner and very nearly crashed into a giant wagon wheel.</p><p>“Jez?” he asked, peering further round the corner to see if he could see his friend.</p><p>He pedalled a little further, carefully dodging the enormous wheel, and quickly revealing the scene of Jeremy’s demise. A chuckle bubbled up from below.</p><p>“It’s really not your day is it, mate!”</p><p>“This was a stupid challenge!” complained Jeremy. “It was much better the other way round.”</p><p>“I’d offer you a lift, but I think you’ll probably just flatten the tyres.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine where I’d even fit on that thing,” observed Jeremy. “Do you think you could pop the wheel back on if I hold the boat up?”</p><p>Richard looked at the road ahead, aware that normally he’d already have headed off and left him by now. “If you cook something I like later!”</p><p>Jeremy appeared to weigh up his options. “Is that even possible?”</p><p>Richard glared at him.</p><p>“Yes, yes, I’ll do it, go get the wheel!” Jeremy stepped forward to lift the back of the boat, ready for Richard to return.</p><p>Richard ran off to collect the wheel, still lying where he’d passed it. It was big, and heavier than he’d expected, he found himself much more comfortable rolling it than carrying it, causing Jeremy to complain profusely as he waited.</p><p>“Don’t lift it til I get there then!” called back Richard, rolling his eyes at Jeremy’s antics. “How did this come off anyway?”</p><p>Jeremy muttered something, lost under the swearing as he lifted the boat again.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“I went round the corner too fast,” admitted Jeremy. “And the wheels are quite wobbly.”</p><p>Richard snorted, giggling slightly at the expression on his friend’s face.</p><p>“Hold still! You’re wobbling even more than it did going round that corner.”</p><p>Richard merely giggled harder, forcing Jeremy to wait for several minutes.</p><p>Jeremy glared, ineffectually, finally muttering, “Have you quite finished?”</p><p>“Mostly,” coughed Richard, making something of an effort to hold still as Jeremy finally managed to fix the wheel back on.</p><p>“Thanks, Hamster,” grinned Jeremy, once the wheel was finally on, climbing back into his boat and immediately speeding off into the distance – relatively speaking.</p><p>Richard sighed, he’d really missed a trick there, normally he would’ve left Jeremy for dead and possibly even beaten him home if he’d struggled enough re-attaching the wheel. Oh well, he put his feet on the pedals and headed for home. Two minutes later, with Jeremy disappearing into the distance, Richard hit a sharp stone. The kayak’s steering instantly changed, almost immediately driving him onto the grass verge, determined to steer him to the left with great enthusiasm. The stone had punctured one of his tyres.</p><p>He got out again, taking a close look at the offending tyre and finding the hole without any trouble, a massive rip big enough to stick his entire hand into.</p><p>“Right then,” he sighed, “that hasn’t gone well,” he added, pondering his options momentarily before placing his hands on the kayak’s cockpit and giving it an almighty shove fully onto the grass verge. “Cross country, I think.” He carefully oriented himself in the general direction of their house, then dove under the hedge, head first into the neighbouring field.</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“Loser!” laughed James, doing the little dance for Jeremy. “And twice in one day!”</p><p>“This was a rubbish challenge,” declared Jeremy. “The Toybota was clearly the pinnacle of homemade amphibious success.”</p><p>“Are you struggling to accept defeat?” asked James.</p><p>“Yes I am,” nodded Jeremy.</p><p>James laughed. “Have you seen Hamster?”</p><p>Jeremy grinned. “He’s not that far back, he shouldn’t be too long. Take a seat, I’ll just go clean up, make sure dinner’s ready to go when we’re done. ”</p><p>The younger man grinned back, settling into one of the wooden chairs at the front of their house, grabbing his phone from his pocket and starting to play on it.</p><p>Thirty minutes later, when Jeremy reappeared, there was still no sign of Richard. “Where is he?” the taller man asked. “I thought he’d be here by now.”</p><p>“Nothing,” shrugged James, not entirely succeeding in appearing unconcerned.</p><p>“He could’ve walked it by now,” commented Jeremy. “Backwards and on crutches. And you know Hamster, if he wasn’t in the kayak, he probably would have run, not walked.”</p><p>“I’m going back to see where he’s got to,” said James, brooking no argument. “How come none of the crew were with him?”</p><p>“They were setting up for him finishing – he was going too slowly for them to tail him safely, and he was nearly here,” responded Jeremy, seriously, following James back down the driveway, his walk turning into a trot.</p><p>Three minutes down the road, Jeremy was the first to reach Richard’s kayak, shoved into the side of the road. “It’s not damaged or anything, not an accident,” he started by reassuring James. “Just a puncture.”</p><p>“But he wasn’t on the road,” said James. “Where is he?”</p><p>Jeremy stared at the kayak for a few minutes, clearly thinking it through, then turning to search the wider area. “Where indeed?” mused Jeremy.</p><p>“You don’t think someone’s taken him or anything, do you?” asked James, reluctantly.</p><p>“Why would anyone want him?” snorted Jeremy, though his forehead creased just the same. “I don’t think that’s very likely, James,” he added, patting James on the shoulder.</p><p>“But where is he?” repeated James. “He’s not here, and he’s not on the road – or at home. We’re out of places to look.”</p><p>“But Hamster’s used to living in the country,” grinned Jeremy. “He might not stick to the road if he thought the road was longer.” He studied their surroundings, eventually stopping at a broken branch. “How about this?”</p><p>“So he’s either stuck or lost in the countryside?” complained James, not impressed. “I’m going to have words with him when we find him.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A couple of fields later, and already more walking than it would have taken to go down the road, James was cold and squelching, and somewhat more grumpy about the whole thing.</p><p>Not to mention worried. He might not want to say it out loud – again – but really, how lost could the midget be?</p><p>“James?” whispered Jeremy, drawing him out of his internal funk. “I think I’ve spotted him.”</p><p>“Is he wearing a sign that says ‘Sorry James, I know you wanted to be having a beer by now’?”</p><p>“He’s stuck up a tree,” replied Jeremy.</p><p>“I’m afraid to ask why.”</p><p>“It looks like a bull is charging at him.”</p><p>“Of course it is,” sighed James. “How? How does he do these things? A perfectly safe ride across a pond wearing a life jacket and down a deserted country lane, and he manages to find a way to get into trouble, even potentially injured. In a muddy field!”</p><p>“He doesn’t look injured,” pointed out Jeremy.</p><p>“Not yet,” glared James.</p><p>“Just very muddy,” added Jeremy. “He must have rolled round in a puddle or something first.”</p><p>“Of course,” groaned James. “Where’s the bull? How are we going to fetch him?”</p><p>“Hamster!” yelled Jeremy, abruptly enough that he made James jump.</p><p>“Jez?” A small voice called back.</p><p>“We’re just working out how to get you down.”</p><p>Richard was quiet for a moment, then called back. “Farmer? He lives down that track.”</p><p>“I’ll go,” said Jeremy, leaving James staring at Richard across the field, the bull still intermittently circling the tree.</p><p>James shoved his hands in his pockets, watching Jeremy ambling across the field towards the farm track, reminding himself that Richard would be fine, just as soon as they’d sorted him out. Like normal, because the little pikey thought he’d take a shortcut instead of walking down the road.  </p><p>“What were you thinking?” grumbled James, half under his breath.</p><p>Richard’s voice was small when he responded. “I just thought it’d be quicker!”</p><p>“Hamster,” said James, sternly. “It wasn’t quicker.”</p><p>“Sorry James.”</p><p>Richard didn’t say anything else, and for several minutes, James remained with his hands in his pockets, silently glaring at the tree and the boy in it. Then, as he heard Jeremy approaching with the farmer, James finally spoke. “I’m glad you’re OK. You gave me another heart attack though.”</p><p>“Sorry James, I didn’t mean it.” Richard’s voice was small, uncharacteristically so, even for when he was in trouble.</p><p>James relented, his irritation finally giving way to sympathy. “They’re nearly here, won’t be long now.”</p><p>“That’s good,” replied Richard. “This tree’s really starting to get uncomfortable.”</p><p>The farmer was friendly enough, but all business. He didn’t bother complaining or telling anyone off, just calmly gave them instructions.</p><p>“Now then, if I go down the other end and distract the big fella with food, you two lads can – quickly mind – pop into the field and grab the little boy out of the tree. Just make sure you get out again straight away, OK. Don’t want to be rescuing all three of you from the tree. Not sure it’d hold this giant anyway!” The farmer looked incredulously up at Jeremy.</p><p>“Got it,” said James, nudging Jeremy, who was staring blindly at the tree and Richard.</p><p>The farmer ambled off, muttering to himself, though from the tone of it more internal conversation than annoyance.</p><p>As the bull headed over to acquire his food, Jeremy and James slipped over the gate, silently making their way to the tree branch where Richard sat.</p><p>“I don’t think I can climb down now,” whispered Richard, well aware of the urgency. “I’m too cold.”</p><p>“We’ve got you,” said James, though it was Jeremy who reached up to grab him, starting with an ankle then catching his torso as he dropped off the branch into Jeremy’s waiting arms, scarcely pausing.</p><p>“Come on, Hamster,” added Jeremy, tucking Richard almost under his arm as they rushed back to the gate. He lifted a shaking Richard over the gate, then he and James each climbed over, only inspecting their little friend when they were all out of harm’s way.</p><p>Richard was a mess, wet and covered in mud, presumably from a fall, and occasionally shuddering as the cold got to him, but other than the odd scratch, he didn’t seem injured.</p><p>“Well that didn’t go well,” he whispered, as James rubbed at his arms, trying to warm him up a little.</p><p>“Thanks!” Jeremy called to the farmer, before leading James and Richard back towards the road, Richard huddled against his side under one of his long arms.</p><p>James ambled alongside them on Richard’s other side, finally relaxing as they headed home.</p><p>“We’ll fetch the kayak tomorrow,” suggested Jeremy, nudging Richard onwards as they reached the road.</p><p>When they reached the house, Andy, trying not to giggle too much, was ready for their summing up.</p><p>“It turns out that a Hamster can find water even when he’s not in a lake,” announced Jeremy. “Which makes a kayak a pretty good commuter vehicle.”</p><p>“It’s a bit slow though, as in slower than walking,” pointed out James.</p><p>“It had a puncture!” protested Richard.</p><p>“Poor design,” insisted Jeremy.</p><p>“Your wheel fell off!”</p><p>“That did happen, actually,” admitted Jeremy. “And I was very slow on the water. I think we can safely say, that if you’re planning on commuting a short distance from school across a lake and a country road, then you need a sailboat with electric scooter wheels.”</p><p>“Very specific!” laughed Richard.</p><p>“Obviously,” put in James, beaming.</p><p>“And on that bombshell, I’ve now got to cook dinner for these two land lubbers.” Jeremy raised his hand, and with a silent giggle, Andy nodded for them to finish.</p><p>“I think before any of that, we might need to clean Hamster off a bit,” observed James, dryly.</p><p>“Yes, how is it possible to spend so much of the day in water and end up covered in mud?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>“It’s a skill,” Richard defended himself, absently brushing at some of the mud on his arms.</p><p>James rolled his eye. “Bath!”</p><p>Richard sighed. “More water!”</p><p> </p><p>……………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Finally, as Jeremy served up three plates of steaming spaghetti, Richard emerged clean from the bathroom, wrapped in a massive towel and dripping all the way down the stairs.</p><p>“Are you not even getting dressed before eating?” asked James, raising an eyebrow dubiously.</p><p>Richard grinned cheekily. “I’ve got my clothes soaking wet that many times today, it just seemed like tempting fate.”</p><p>Jeremy snorted. “Well whose fault is that?”</p><p>Richard’s grin widened in admission, but he sat down at the table nonetheless, the towel sliding off his shoulders and ending up wrapped round his waist. “I was faster than you though,” he pointed out.</p><p>“Yes, thankfully, I don’t think either of us could have handled being poisoned again if you weren’t,” Jeremy gestured to the food, referring to Richard’s previous attempt to cook.</p><p>“Good job it wasn’t a swimming race then,” put in James.</p><p>Richard’s hands went to his hips in offense. “I was improving, a bit. I did some practicing in the bathtub too.”</p><p>James glanced at the ceiling. As Jeremy groaned. “It’s going to be like Niagara Falls in there!”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>